@KH0wes

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

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@UncleBob56

Her: I don’t recognize you’re accent.

Me: *swallows* It’s donut.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Why are you late?
Me: I was at church.
Him: I find that hard to believe.
Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

@robfee

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

@Beesthegame

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

@RoosterMustache

Early bird gets the worm

2nd mouse gets the cheese

3rd cow gets the grass

All cows get to eat grass tho, theres not really a low supply.

@BoothysTweets

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

@weinerdog4life

My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.

@LostFelicia

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

@ForEllieSylvia

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

@impJOKER

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.