today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
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😂😂😂
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
this is what they would have looked like, though
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know