Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when