Netflix is raising its monthly rates?! Man, whoever’s password I’m using has got to be pissed.

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If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up


I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?


6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.


“Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine.” – Nicki Minaj


Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me

My teenage son: nice


The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”


*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*


[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers


Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?

Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time


I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.