If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Netflix is raising its monthly rates?! Man, whoever’s password I’m using has got to be pissed.
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I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
“Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine.” – Nicki Minaj
Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me
My teenage son: nice
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?
Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.