@NotMarkAllen

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

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@chuuew

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

@mattewe02

[psychologists office]

Cupid: I’m just jaded. I feel overlooked

Dr.: Why, because of Rudolph?

Cupid: Not really he’s a really great deer, I just…

Dr.: What is it?

Cupid: I just can’t believe I’m the second most famous Cupid like what are the friggin’ odds

@Mom_Overboard

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

@junejuly12

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

@Soeljchillinger

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

@KalvinMacleod

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

@junejuly12

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

@Beardson

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

@dlicj

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

@Free_the_DJ

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.