Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
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My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator