I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
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Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.
Are you raising an army for Mordor?