@WilliamAder

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

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@EwdatsGROSS

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

@shaztaberry

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

@ScarletWLand

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

@elenacresci

guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week

@Darlainky

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

@illuminatedwndr

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

@iwearaonesie

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

@batkaren

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

@michaeldean0116

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

@mickeza1

You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?