Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
You don鈥檛 scare me, you鈥檙e not my ID photo.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
This trial is so absurd 馃槶
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I don鈥檛 have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 馃ズ
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves