Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
sry
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?