@Jake_Vig
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
@amandajpanda
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
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@Jake_Vig
@shadygrenade
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
@Pig_Minted
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
@ThisLocalHater
Murder, she wrote. Vehicular manslaughter, she texted. Arson, she emailed. Possession of cocaine, she Facebooked. Bank robbery, she faxed. Speeding in a school zone,
@abbiehive
Do celebrities have to do jury duty? Imagine standing trial and you just see Beyoncé sitting there
@Quartzjixler
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
@Jabba_Jabba_Jaw
Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me:…
Dr:…
Me: Let’s start this again.
@Shock_Monster
Nurse: It’s just a little prick..
Me: That’s what my gf said!
N: Ha
M: Haha
N: HAHA
M: HAHAHA!
N: You don’t have a gf, do you?
M: No.
@atDevin
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
@SashaBrenner
One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 🙁