@amandajpanda

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

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@Jake_Vig

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

@shadygrenade

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

@Pig_Minted

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

@ThisLocalHater

Murder, she wrote. Vehicular manslaughter, she texted. Arson, she emailed. Possession of cocaine, she Facebooked. Bank robbery, she faxed. Speeding in a school zone,

@abbiehive

Do celebrities have to do jury duty? Imagine standing trial and you just see Beyoncé sitting there

@Quartzjixler

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

@Jabba_Jabba_Jaw

Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me:…
Dr:…
Me: Let’s start this again.

@Shock_Monster

Nurse: It’s just a little prick..

Me: That’s what my gf said!

N: Ha

M: Haha

N: HAHA

M: HAHAHA!

N: You don’t have a gf, do you?

M: No.

@atDevin

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

@SashaBrenner

One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 🙁