netflix originals are great until you binge watch the whole season in one day and then have to wait a whole decade for the next season

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[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?


I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.


My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum


Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?


Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.


Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.


Accountant: Mr Cage, you are flat broke.

*flashback to applying for a loan wearing John Travolta’s face*

Nick Cage: I already handled it