netflix originals are great until you binge watch the whole season in one day and then have to wait a whole decade for the next season

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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.


After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.


Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.


If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.


[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket


me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks


BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive


ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!


Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.