@Iowkeybrook

netflix originals are great until you binge watch the whole season in one day and then have to wait a whole decade for the next season

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@DurtMcHurtt

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

@SergioValenCo

Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.

@livlivme_do

If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.

@AbbieEvansXO

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

@mrjohndarby

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

@weirdralph

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

@cepheusjackson

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

@DomesticGoddss

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.