JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
netflix originals are great until you binge watch the whole season in one day and then have to wait a whole decade for the next season
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
*Tucks shirt in*
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Accountant: Mr Cage, you are flat broke.
*flashback to applying for a loan wearing John Travolta’s face*
Nick Cage: I already handled it