My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
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*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
when you are just born a rebel
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween