[Gets on one knee]
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
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KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I need ten thousand dollars in unmarked avocados.
But HOW will u make America great again?
Trump: I’ll make it like camp. A camp where u concentrate on how great I am. I’ll call it a conce-
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either