Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My blood type is coffee.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough