@Advil

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

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@CornerPubRon

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

@Shock_Monster

I get nervous about DM’s asking if it’s me in video because:

1. I drink.
2. I sometimes dance when drunk.
3. I’m always white when I dance.

@KalvinMacleod

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

@omgthatspunny

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.

@bIondiewasabi

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

@liv_thatsme

Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?

Me: YOU LIVE ALONE

Me: SHIT

@danadonly

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

@TheAlexNevil

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

@RedRegenerated

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?