My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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I get nervous about DM’s asking if it’s me in video because:
1. I drink.
2. I sometimes dance when drunk.
3. I’m always white when I dance.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?
Me: YOU LIVE ALONE
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?