Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏