Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

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[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”


me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]


Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.


Her: Your ego is kind of inflated isn’t it

Me: Not really. It’s always been this big


“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????


Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!


Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”


First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.