Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.