Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
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guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
For the ones in the back.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
PARKOUR
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities