@ayosworIdd

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

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@StarWarsProblms

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

@jellybnbonanza

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

@audipenny

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

@yenniwhite

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

@TeaAndCopy

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

@psybermonkey

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

@catstronomical

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

@AudreyPorne

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are