Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume


“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.


[kids party]
“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Dad no
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*


my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat


Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.


The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.


The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.


As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”


It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.