my wife bought a soap dispenser that says “pump” on the side, which is good. without instructions, i was going to smash it against the floor to try to get the soap out
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.
No weirdos please.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Friend of mine is convinced this whole virus thing is a hoax. It’s hard to doubt him because he also knows exactly where they’re hiding the aliens in Area 51