“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
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“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Punctuation is important, kids.
The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.