@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

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@TheHyyyype

my wife bought a soap dispenser that says “pump” on the side, which is good. without instructions, i was going to smash it against the floor to try to get the soap out

@Midgetspar

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

@NurseSeymour

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

@cat_fvr

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

@Tbone7219

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

@DvuslyMarvelous

Craigslist ad:
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.

No weirdos please.

@jon_snow_420

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

@perlhack

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

@tsm560

Friend of mine is convinced this whole virus thing is a hoax. It’s hard to doubt him because he also knows exactly where they’re hiding the aliens in Area 51