Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
You Might Also Like
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
#Caturday
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.