Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.