NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
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Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
There’s no “u” in narcissist
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.