Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

Don’t snitch tag.

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

My friend is an excellent librarian.

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?