@_salt_n_lime

Netflix still asking if we’re there like we can leave the gd house.

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@jlock17

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

@iGreenMonk

I hate Walmart.

The men’s bathroom doesn’t have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

@DurtMcHurtt

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

@TheToddWilliams

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

@CarouselMouse

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

@PearlsFromMyrna

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

@momoneycomedy

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

@panmidwest

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER: