Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Netflix still asking if we’re there like we can leave the gd house.
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I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I hate Walmart.
The men’s bathroom doesn’t have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.