@SamReidSays

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

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@fro_vo

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

@bransonreese

The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”

@mjkspeaks

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

@thatdutchperson

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

@cbdoubleu

Not to brag, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city.

*enters initials

@Lhlodder

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

@notfunnyelle

My best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 35 we’ll hunt each other for sport

@Marcisgoinham

Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones

Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard

@T_Bonezzz

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn