Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
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‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
The struggle is real.