To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
oppen heimer style lol
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Covid like
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”