Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
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My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Haha good job!!
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google