Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.