Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

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My wife asked me to load the dishwasher.

So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking.

And that’s how the fight started.


SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did


No thanks private caller, I don’t even answer the phone when I know who it is


TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.


doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air


I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.


[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening


There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.


I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”


I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.