[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
You Might Also Like
what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Anyone here good with computers? Trying to figure out how to attach a swarm of wasps to an email
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best