Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

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[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Alex: yes
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k


what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce


It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too


Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.


I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding


[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”


Anyone here good with computers? Trying to figure out how to attach a swarm of wasps to an email


Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best