My wife asked me to load the dishwasher.
So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking.
And that’s how the fight started.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
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SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
No thanks private caller, I don’t even answer the phone when I know who it is
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.