@GrillinChillin9

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

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@Chumpstring

[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Alex: yes
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k

@teenpuke

what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce

@dumbbeezie

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

@brianbowman73

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

@DonQuickoats

I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding

@Fred_Delicious

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

@mindflakes

Anyone here good with computers? Trying to figure out how to attach a swarm of wasps to an email

@SortaBad

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best