Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
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Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.