I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
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I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’ve been drinking.