No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed.
-every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
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Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[Showing a friend around the house]
Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn.
*motions to area covered in popcorn.
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job