Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
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One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*