Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

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No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed.

-every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.



Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly


Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.


Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.


Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.


[Showing a friend around the house]

Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn.

*motions to area covered in popcorn.



South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up


Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]


I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.


DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job