Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
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I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.