College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
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Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Investing in beetcoin
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything