Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
This is my emotional support knife.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.