Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
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[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
New mindset, who dis?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?