Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
You Might Also Like
This is so me 😂😂
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée