@UnFitz

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

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@SamPsychMeds

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

@kirbys4losers

I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.

@eric10F

My friends cat just ran across his banjo and was immediately sued by Mumford and Sons.

@DraggingFeeties

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

@TheMichaelRock

Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.

@ashleyaustrew

Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*

Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?

@ClichedOut

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

@pilau

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

@claire_mudie

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

@MissLynette13

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.