Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

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*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?


I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.


My friends cat just ran across his banjo and was immediately sued by Mumford and Sons.


“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.


Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.


Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*

Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?


Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.


Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday



My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?


Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.