Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
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And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Phones down.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.