I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
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Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*launders Kohls cash*
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.