Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!

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Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.


Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”


The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.


computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken


Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂


Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush


*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*


Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.


From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.


Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.