Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Put my back out twerking in the library again
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.