Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
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Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I’m too immature for adultery.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades