A charcuterie board is just dry soup
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
sir, my pâté if you please
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.