Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
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I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
#JohnTravolta
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.