boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
You Might Also Like
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
The funk soul brother
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.