@SaraMansford

Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.

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@Jerrypleasure

me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate

wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers

me: done

@aissalanis

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

@SuperRandomish

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

@TheToddWilliams

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

@senorwinces

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

@Eden_Eats

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

@TheToddWilliams

[Eating ribs at BBQ Joint]
“Would you like a Wet-Nap?”
No thanks, I had one this afternoon.

@daemonic3

me: [lighting firework] this one is called “blooming flowers in summer”

kid: it sucks it does nothing

me: it smells nice tho

wife: did you just light my yankee candle