There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
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How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I put the h in mysterious.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″