Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
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me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
first you must answer his riddles
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…