[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.