never deleting this app.
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I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Life hack
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years