@HispanicIcon

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

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@UncleDuke1969

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

@Sassafrantz

A bride just said “today I’m marrying my best friend” it’s like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

@drinksmcgee

If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.

@pajaritosimpson

[stalking ex by hot air balloon]

*accidentally drops sandbag through their roof* ope

@GavinProbably

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

@nyquills

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

@click4amanda

My dad called to ask if sending an email to the USA costs more. I told him a LOT more, better not risk it