Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.


HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps


My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.


Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.


If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?


Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude


My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.


Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.