Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
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[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
The French word for sex is croissant.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.