@TheAlexP

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

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@MelvinofYork

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

@flashember

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

@AntozWolf

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

@faungirl123

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

@Alpot86

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

@BigJDubz

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

@jazmasta

[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”

@maryfairybobrry

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

@WetzelGeek

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

@PaperWash

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?