Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
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“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
no!! no!!!!!!
The fall of Netflix
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.