Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
You Might Also Like
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
This came to me in a dream.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot