Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello