Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
X-tra spooky blend
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Meeeee too!
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.